As you may know, if I�m having a particularly bad day or week, and I see a job posting for which I feel I�m qualified, I�ve always viewed it as sort of a coping mechanism to send off an letter and resume, which at least makes me feel like I�m trying to fix my situation. Chances are good things improve here, I never hear back about the job, and I forget all about it.
But then sometimes they do call. I had an excellent phone conversation last week with an excellent �real� (commercial) publisher on the east coast, and it was so uplifting and marvelous to feel like acknowledged as a high-powered publishing professional, particularly for a company whose products I enjoy and admire. And another one�s been checking me out, etc. But this week, I�ve heard nothing, and my patience is wearing thin.
It�s like this bloody internet dating crap. Yep, I posted a profile weeks ago, just so I could say I�d tried. No picture, because it�s too small a town for that sort of nonsense, and I�m a bit sensitive about what others might think of me. (Come on, don�t you sometimes, just for fun, check out who�s posted on the personals in your town to see if you recognize anyone? Please say yes.) I expected nothing to happen, which would support my theory that there are no viable options here. But the thing is, I�m really uncomfortable with the professionalism of these men who do reply. Like I can just tell from their e-mails that they�re just writing to bunches of girls, hoping someone might respond. They�re totally playing the field. And so when I do reply, I feel like I�m being compared and judged. If they don�t get any better replies, well, they might write back eventually. Or they�ll pop up again after weeks, with vague excuses, which really means they�re bored and haven�t found anything better. While I realize there are lots of bad matches to weed through, this will only work for me if I feel like I�m special. After all, I like to think one conversation with me over e-mail would leave anyone so smitten he�d immediately cease communication with anyone else. That said, though, I�m also freaked out by these who want to meet right away, ones who seem to be moving too fast.
Oh, and maybe I have some trust issues, since the ex was, as it turns out, in a long-term relationship when he met me and began leading me on for several years, until such a time as he was free. So I want to be the only person, until such a time as it�s obvious we�re not both interested.
So that�s it. I just want to feel special. Silence isn�t the way to make that happen, for either potential jobs or potential boys.
But of course, even as I spent the weekend all giddy with the possibility of heading out closer to such delightful folk as Kate and girljesus, I was completely conflicted about leaving the confines of the family fold.
My pops stopped by the other night, finding me out in the yard, �walking� the cat. We sat on the porch, compared health problems, discussed our medical appointments and tests for the week, then my siblings� self-centeredness, my mother�s craziness. Then I decided I should tell him about the potential changes that could be coming along. He was supportive and agreeable, and since he�s on the road all the time, he had things to say about the towns. But in the end he said, �If you move away, I�ll never cook again. Nobody else cares.�
All this after I�d had a long talk with a friend about aging parents, about being the one who�s there to take care of them. We agreed we don�t want to do it, but neither do we want to not do it.
So nothing�s happening right now. And I guess that�s okay, just for a bit.