1. Do not have children. They will, god willing, someday become a teenager, and it�s every bit the hormonal/social roller coaster we remember. Take off your rose-colored glasses.

2. If you do have children, do not have a swimming pool. If you have a swimming pool, or if you go visit someone with a swimming pool, tie all children to stakes in the yard, if you�re not in the pool with them. Inevitably the child who can�t swim will fall into the deep end and have nothing but another child between him and drowning.

3. Do not buy your children pets. The pet will die, and the children will mourn.

4. Acceptable vacation spots include: cruises to the Caribbean, trips to Disney World, vacations in Hawaii or stays at fabulous, pool-equipped beach houses in North Carolina. If you take your child to the Dominican Republic, say, (s)he will insist upon calling the inhabitants �Jamaicans,� so you should keep that in mind. On exotic beach vacations, all girls will have their hair done in cornrows, and all boys will look for nude beaches.

5. Any family vacation in which you pack up the van and drive to the destination will be fraught with flat tires, family fights and trips to the emergency room for broken bones.

6. Never, ever believe it when your daughter says she�s spending the night at her best friend�s.

7. Sex education is important. Not just abstinence education.

8. If you do not give your child that X-Box thing he asked for at Christmas, he actually will hate you.

9. All kids love Disney World, Universal Studios, amusement parks and swimming with dolphins.

10. Hunting is big in Ohio.

11. So is paintball. And evidently cool kids have their own paintball guns, which are expensive.

12. Kids who confess to playing endless hours of video games usually have very poor grammar, handwriting and spelling skills.

13. I�m not cut out to be a teacher. Thankfully I learned this partway through college.

14. Know the quickest route to the emergency room at all times from all points on the globe.

15. You must buy your children the expensive, hip clothes, because evidently popularity is the single most important thing in a teenager�s life. Second only to conformity.

16. Monitor computer use. Do you know who your children are chatting with? Do they, really? Realize they will make plans to meet these online pals. (See #6-7.)

17. Before you have children, make sure you want �em. There�s little so sad as a kid writing about feeling ignored and unloved.