Dear Sting,

I know exactly how you feel. I, too, am terrified of tight things around my neck. The very sight of Vince Gill�s mock turtleneck nearly sent me into convulsions as I imagined how it feels to have that cloth encircling my neck. (I also have a fear of unprotected necks, which might seem to be at odds with the fear of things around my neck, but it�s working just fine for me. Do you, too?)

I noticed you at least wore a shirt under the jacket this time, unlike your Golden Globe appearance, but I confess I had to look long and hard to confirm the hint of a shirt around all that bare chest.

I can�t help but be reminded of a high school English teacher, who took particular delight in tearing down her students. I recall quite clearly the day the dragon turned her attention away from her usual target (nerds) to denigrate a �cool� guy, announcing you could tell how low a man�s IQ was by how few buttons of his shirt were actually buttoned.

I realize things haven�t been the same since the Cold War ended. There�s no longer any point to you and Elton writing songs about the Russians. But I don�t think you�re stupid. I think you�ve confused the freedom to not wear a shirt at all with an actual political or social statement. Really it�s just cold, unhygienic and sad. You could be okay. Go shopping with Dave Matthews. He�ll help you find some nice V-neck shirts, and he�ll hold your hand when you button just a couple more buttons on that button-down, helping you through your fears.

I hope to see you in a shirt at the Oscars. If I can do it, you can, too.

Love,

flashingreds

Speaking of shirts, it has come to my attention that the shirt I am wearing at this very moment is the shirt I wore to my 5-year high school reunion. Same sweater underneath; black skirt in lieu of today�s gray. Five years ago. My god, I am totally living life on the cutting edge of fashion.

Just like Sting.

To shock you, view Paris�s book proposal. (Am I the only one without a book deal these days?)

Now for awe. If only I could write about songs I love. I don�t know the song she discusses there, but I don�t care. It�s lovely.

Gosh, and I tell you, I feel so much better to know that Chris Martin�s endorsed John Kerry. Isn�t CM a Brit? Still entitled to his opinion, yeah, but worthy of discussion on NPR? I don�t think so.